Whoa.

I just remembered I had a blog. Wow.

What's been happening, uhm, still in Houston, because I fell privy to that stupid boy in my last post. Community college isn't so bad.

Tried to customize the layout and stuff from the ol' blog but I can't settle for any other colors than these. What can I say, I like the greys and blacks!

Especially the blacks...



















Day-um!!

So I haven't posted anything for me to look back on in a while and thought it was high time I did.

Also, this is my first post of the new year! Yay!!

Anyway, uh, I met a guy, who is excellent beyond all belief. He trips me out and makes me giggle like a school girl. I love it. He's handsome and is so fun. I'm gonna have such trouble getting over him when we eventually break up, which will have to happen, since I'm leaving in the summer and he's staying to finish his book learnin'.

I forgot the point of posting anything.

OMGZ ITZ BAD 4 U!

As much as I want to stop smoking, I can't. I've been a smoker since I was 14, going on 15, and now that I'm legally able to buy cigarettes, I wanna stop. There's some irony in that I think, but I don't know if it counts if what I wanna do is good for me. I always thought irony had to have some negative connotation or something.

Either way, yeah, I can't run as fast or long anymore and if I go three days without one I'll start coughing and getting some weird asthma thing where I can't really stop inhaling without punching myself in the chest. Scary.

ALSO!!! Before I was 18, I'd have someone else buy me my cigarettes because I was afraid of getting ID'd. NOW, every time I walk into some dingy little gas station to make a purchase, no one ID's me!!!

WUT TEH FUK GAZ STATIONZ BRKIN LAWZ!

I dunno. Just thought I'd write about something. Have a nice day!

Punk kids doing (un-)punk things.

So, Against Me! is on MTV.

I can't explain it how I feel about this, other than to say that it's like my lover has cheated on me, but all I can think is how much I love them and how much I'm hurt by their actions. . . but, I still love them so much.

All I have to say is that Reinventing Axl Rose was written quite a while ago. It is a song that represents who they were then and at that moment. And if you look at Up the Cuts and Piss and Vinegar, you can't say you didn't see this coming. The signs were all there.

The description of Against Me! on mtv.com kind of shows that, though the executives know what their exposure will do to the band's fan base, they'll put them on TV anyway, saying it's all for the good of music. It's upsetting to say the least, but I refuse to cry "sellout." This is definitely different, but as long as they stay personal to the fans and continue to play amazing music, I'll continue to love them.

Against Me! is somewhat a measure of judgment for me. If I'm wearing one of my AM! hoodies and someone comes up and compliments me on it, then they are familiar with that band, a not very popular band that I love, automatically making them kickass. AFI used to be the same thing, until they were on MTV for Girl's Not Grey and Miss Murder, then everyone would come up to me and compliment my shirts or hoody, saying they liked, "that one song they had on MTV," automatically making them a fan. I just don't want this to happen with Against Me!

However, if I ever, EVER, catch Tom Gabel decked out in bling and rapping in a car on hydraulics with Lil' Jon, it's over.



Not that I don't like Lil' Jon, but, you know what I mean.

So I went to the doctor to get the results of my MRI and X-Rays and when the doctor walked in he started laughing. He said I had a herniated disk which means that one of my disks in my back isn't aligned with my spine or something. He just kind of laughed and asked how I did it. I said I didn't know. He said at 17, I am the youngest person he'd ever treated to have that kind of problem.

So, I'm starting Methyliprendnisolone tomorrow (my sister informs me they give a form of this medicine to dogs for something) and I'm going to have back problems for the rest of my life.

Birthday in a week. Happy Birthday to me.

No school like the old school.

I'm trying to make it a point to post more on here, mainly because when I try to visit the site, I forget my password and I really don't want to hit the "forgot password" link; so I keep trying to remember my password, but it's all very futile and I end up giving up and opting to use my time surfing YouTube for something to either cheer me up or ebb my boredom. Nothing cures either of those like laughing babies or otters holding hands!

Either way, went and got my MRI and some X-Rays, very uncomfortable. You can't move or anything in the big MRI tube-thing and I kept wanting to laugh, but was afraid that if I did, I'd ruin the entire thing and have to start over. I didn't want to risk that. I find out what all the hubbub is about on Friday next week.

I've been missing school quite a bit in order to go to the doctor and stuff. Albeit awesome, I'm worried about the work and lessons that I am missing and will have to make up in some way. Either way, it's cool to stay home.

Thanksgiving sucks. I'm appreciative of all that I have, but my family sucks. There's always one big fight with us and this year was no different than previous ones. Glad everyone's gone and that the yelling is over, though.

My birthday is coming up! Not that I'm excited to get anything, just excited to finally be able to buy my own cigarettes.

note

Having a conflict of interest with a whole bunch of things. I've been real fired up for a fight or something but don't know why. I started a kinda fight with someone and feel horrible about it, as I disrespected him in a big way. I long to apologize but can't. I tell myself that I'm waiting for the right time to do it, while all the while I feel like I really didn't do anything. Every time I look back at the episode, I feel as though it was a daydream, some weird thing that I made up in some twisted attempt at making me hate myself, that it didn't really happen, and I'd be apologizing for something that I was never involved in. That scares me. That I don't feel like I did something that happened and is done with. It's scary.

I thought of something that is probably apparently obvious to some others but I'm slow to recognize the obvious sometimes, and this was one of them:
If you have a major label band singing about Bush capitalizing off of the publics fear and off of the war, aren't they in turn capitalizing off of his original capitalization? I don't think the way I put it makes any sense. But, you know what I mean.

I'm so scared for things that it's annoying. I can't wait to go out into the world on my own after this year, but, every time I return to my online application, I can't find it in me to hit the "submit" button. It hurts in my stomach, I hate it. I can vividly remember fourth grade and all the years before, when growing up was the farthest thing on my, and everyone else's, mind. And now, it's here. I'm so upset and scared. I don't want to fail out there in the world with everyone else. I don't want to settle for something mediocre like I know I will have to. I don't want to give up the dreams and aspirations I had for myself before reality kicked in and made me realize that I would have to. I just can't find that kind of courage any where in me. That surely means failure for the future. That only worries me further. It's like a vicious little cycle. I can't stop the fear which makes me worry and that, in turn, makes me more afraid and it's all mixed in with some strange nostalgic moments and memories of me falling off of my bike in the street and off my first kiss and the first time I was on stage and I cant' stand it. It's not normal.

Well, I'm going in for my MRI on Monday, for my back and the (hopefully!) pinched nerve. I have to present Fahrenheit 9/11 on Tuesday to the class.