Having a conflict of interest with a whole bunch of things. I've been real fired up for a fight or something but don't know why. I started a kinda fight with someone and feel horrible about it, as I disrespected him in a big way. I long to apologize but can't. I tell myself that I'm waiting for the right time to do it, while all the while I feel like I really didn't do anything. Every time I look back at the episode, I feel as though it was a daydream, some weird thing that I made up in some twisted attempt at making me hate myself, that it didn't really happen, and I'd be apologizing for something that I was never involved in. That scares me. That I don't feel like I did something that happened and is done with. It's scary.
I thought of something that is probably apparently obvious to some others but I'm slow to recognize the obvious sometimes, and this was one of them:
If you have a major label band singing about Bush capitalizing off of the publics fear and off of the war, aren't they in turn capitalizing off of his original capitalization? I don't think the way I put it makes any sense. But, you know what I mean.
I'm so scared for things that it's annoying. I can't wait to go out into the world on my own after this year, but, every time I return to my online application, I can't find it in me to hit the "submit" button. It hurts in my stomach, I hate it. I can vividly remember fourth grade and all the years before, when growing up was the farthest thing on my, and everyone else's, mind. And now, it's here. I'm so upset and scared. I don't want to fail out there in the world with everyone else. I don't want to settle for something mediocre like I know I will have to. I don't want to give up the dreams and aspirations I had for myself before reality kicked in and made me realize that I would have to. I just can't find that kind of courage any where in me. That surely means failure for the future. That only worries me further. It's like a vicious little cycle. I can't stop the fear which makes me worry and that, in turn, makes me more afraid and it's all mixed in with some strange nostalgic moments and memories of me falling off of my bike in the street and off my first kiss and the first time I was on stage and I cant' stand it. It's not normal.
Well, I'm going in for my MRI on Monday, for my back and the (hopefully!) pinched nerve. I have to present Fahrenheit 9/11 on Tuesday to the class.
